Illustrated by Nathanael Bueno
People of every age rarely possess true physical prowess. This derives from a lack of effort by the majority where they have other priorities to be met. But, it should be in everyone’s best interest to better themselves this summer. Not just for the sake of health and wellness, but to achieve that hot summer body. As far as we are in the summer, there is always time to start exercising for that body of your dreams.
Push-ups
Gyms are distracting. Men are thrusting their hips making sweaty little grunts. Disgusting. This is why calisthenics in the privacy of your bedroom are a great way to start. Push-ups help to target all upper-body muscles. Start by getting down on all fours on the floor. Place your hands past shoulder-width apart and extend your legs straight behind you so that your weight is supported by your feet. Lower your body, push yourself back up to the starting position, and repeat. Remember you don’t want to look too built, but just enough so you don’t convulse every time you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror.
Squats
Inevitably feeding into the male gaze, let’s move on to some squats! Begin by setting a timer for one minute. Some may choose to count, but I personally doze off into dark oblivion after the first few squats so I can’t manually keep track. Feet should be shoulder-width apart and keep your back straight. Squat down until your thighs are parallel to the ground. Repeat this until the end of the minute and you should feel this sensation of your glutes breaking through the space-time continuum.
Facial exercises
As much as the patriarchy is awful, there are some ways to benefit from it. Laughing at men’s “jokes” is said to burn roughly 150 facial calories in one conversation. This won’t be such a workout if you find the perfect guy, but that is very rarely, if ever, the occasion. A few forced giggles and “tee-hees” are guaranteed to get those cheekbones in. Surely, there will come a point where you might have to resist the urge to groan in despair or roll your eyes, but you should never forget that in exercise, it’s no pain, no gain.
Read a book
Physical beauty is merely a construct and true beauty starts from within. Settle down with a good book and exercise your brain’s neuroplasticity with words of wisdom. No amount of liposuction or anti-aging cream could have a comparable impact to that of intellectual development. In the chaos and shallowness of beauty standards, we can find that it’s our cerebral charm that makes us attractive to everyone.
Start a new diet
Nothing says summer body other than a bland concoction of greens and protein. An easy dinner for when you’re exhausted from all that exercise is a packet of ramen, raw and crunchy, and seasoned with its contents. Then, you’ll down some water to soften it. Enjoy an appetizing amalgamation of ingredients that could be conveniently found in your fridge. You’ll be left with an immense tummy ache that implores you to just give it up and eat some pizza.